Big time confusion

This time I will not be discussing any of my view point on a specific issue, instead I’ll share my confusion and raise few questions for which I am not able to get any satisfactory answer yet.

"Thy Lord hath decreed that ye worship none but Him, and that ye be kind to parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in thy life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honor. And out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility, and say: ‘My Lord! bestow on them Thy Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood' "(Al-Quran: 17:23-24)

Each of us are in no doubt that Islam has emphasized a lot about rights and duties towards our parents and specially mother is the most respectable and divine relation Allah has created for his creatures. There are several verses of Quran and ahadess from Masoomeen(a.s.) in honor of parents and enlightens our responsibilities towards them. If someone has to describe the word “mother” and the relation of a mother and a child, I don’t think it will be an easy task as there aren't enough words in the dictionary to describe what my mother is. “For the hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world” Surely whatever we are today is just because of our parents.

But today’s mother was a newly wedded wife someday, as soon as a person gets married with a girl there can be two possibilities, in some cases specially in subcontinent the girl is brought to the house which is of the groom’s parents and they live with parents and siblings, this is what we call Joint Family System. Second option is they will start their life in a new house hoping to turn that into a home someday.

Let’s now discuss some ideal cases where there are no special excuses like small house or relocation to different city/country, financial problems etc. Now my question, actually it is more than a question and can be called a big time confusion.

Should a person start his life in a Joint Family System or Individualistic Family System?

Option 1:

The person leaves his parent’s place and starts a new life at a new place? Ofcourse he will be visiting them regularly and will take good care of them, remotely, as much as possible by helping them financially, morally and by supporting in household work etc. If that’s the case then:

1. Will it be considered as disgracing parents and dishonoring them or not giving them proper love which they deserve from their child?

2. Will it be considered as not fulfilling ones duties and rights towards his parents by leaving them alone at old age when they will be needing him as he needed them when he was a child?

3. Is this act against any of the Islamic laws or instructions or expectations, will this act be a hurdle in gaining Allah’s blessing?

4. Is it something the person has to justify in his society or it should be taken normal by society as a general practice?

5. By living separately there is a distance between grandchild and grandparents as compare to living jointly with them, will it be considered injustice to both of them?

6. Finally if any one of the parent is left alone after others death, what should be the line of action? Hire a maid for him/her? Ask him/her to live with all the sons turn by turn for a decided period? Admit him/her to old house? OR go for any point in option 2.

Option 2:

A newly wedded wife in most of the cases prefers to have her own home and does not like to stay in a Joint family. Maybe in some cases she shows her willingness but mostly witnessed in my surrounding, girls usually prefer to be independent of joint family. In subcontinent still there are many families where individualistic family system is considered very negative and girl is titled as cunning, clever and selfish if she demands for a separate home.

1. Whatever the case maybe, restrict her to live in Joint family?

2. When two – three women are living in same house there is a high chance of collusion, so should a person start balancing his rights towards parents, siblings and wife and try to keep all of them happy in case of any argument? Is it possible? How?

3. Be ignorant and let the things go on its own way and do not interfere until the big blast from either side?

4. Be partially separate in same house? (You know what that means)

5. Change his role as a son and as a husband and be mediator for life time.

Today in our society when a person gets married the first and biggest question infront of him is, should he enter into joint family system or start a separate and independent life, maybe initially this question does not crop up but after some time this issue comes along him, whether in form of demand from his partner or due to circumstances, the decision at that time is not so easy and I am still in search of the answer that what is the best possible solution to this confusion.

As you can see both options have some advantages and disadvantages, I am not listing those here as we all are aware of virtues and pitfalls of both systems but ultimately person has to go with any one of the them, of course selection of any option entirely depends on individual’s circumstances and no universal law can be defined as a selection criteria but still in a broad view there has to be some reasoning to justify the selection, whether it be from religious point of view or social or ethical view but there has to be some logical reasoning.

Last but not least, what is the best time for making this decision, should it be a preplanned decision and with mutual understanding of all the stakeholders or should a person go with the flow in beginning ,wait and watch for the situation and then make any decision?

These are few unanswered questions waiting for some justifiable replies other than “Depends on situation” kind of answers as macro view of situation is already defined.